"Do you know what he did to me,” I yelled. My head fell in shame; it's been too many years that I've been keeping this painful secret. This was the first time I mentioned it, the secret, to my family; in fact this is the first time I was saying it aloud. Although it slipped out in the heat of this argument, it was finally out. Part of me was relieved. I looked up to see everyone's faces, I was sure they would be plagued with questions. To my surprise my aunts and cousins didn't believe me. No one consoled me, no one wiped my tears, and everyone just called me a liar.
I wasn't even 5 when it started. My first molester was my baby sitters son. Where was she when he made me do those things to him?! When he touched me below and made me feel so uncomfortable. Seems like every time I was there he found a way to have his inappropriate private time with me. It wasn't until my grandparents happened to change my child care provider that he couldn't hurt me anymore. It was finally over, or so I thought. After that I was molested by two of the men in my family. I would think "What's wrong with me that everyone wants to hurt me?" I thought about telling my grandfather on several occasions, but I didn't want him to do anything that would get himself into trouble. I was stuck with no way out, no one to talk to and no one to protect me.
My innocence was taken from me and the pain of being violated shaped my life. For years I was afraid of intimacy. When I finally became sexual I went through a period of promiscuity. I went from one extreme to the other. Because of my experience’s I am now very over protective of my children. I know it takes a village to raise a child, but I knew the betrayal of my village.
Author’s Note: The story you just read is a personal account of a woman who chooses to remain anonymous; but graciously allowed me to put her experience into words with hopes that it may help the women who read this blog. Below are a few follow up questions I had for Ms. Anonymous.
"The enemy wanted to destroy who I would become."
Danelle: Has the enemy succeeded?
Anonymous: As I mentioned before the hurt I’ve dealt with in my past has molded who I am. To this day I struggle with misplaced anger. It’s a daily battle to keep my sanity and not allow the enemy to win. Ultimately I know everything I went through had a purpose. That purpose was so that I could minister from my reality to others. To let them know they aren’t alone.
Danelle: You mentioned your grandfather, but where was your mom through all of this?
Anonymous: My parents were unable to care for me do to mental illness and drug abuse probably stemming from issues in their childhood.
Danelle: Have you shared your story openly w/ others?
Anonymous: Occasional w/ people that are going through or have gone through molestation. It's very difficult to share b/c it’s a part of me that I’m newly exposing. I held the secret for SO many years and I still find myself trying to not acknowledge that it’s real, b/c it’s so painful.
Danelle: Do you blame your family?
Anonymous: No and I never have… I knew they {Grandfather} loved me and I’m sure if they knew what was going on they {Grandfather} would have protected me.
Danelle: What hurts more, what happened to you or the fact that no one believed you?
Anonymous: Hmmm that’s a good question… I think the fact that no one believed me… They don’t know how many times I was violated or the circumstances behind it nor were they concerned enough to ask.
Danelle: Any final words?
Anonymous: My grandfather, my mom, my family when I was a youth talked about protecting me from the Boogeyman outside not knowing that the Boogeyman was inside all along.
