She

She sits on the bed wondering how she got herself in this situation. She looked up; the sound of him unlocking the door was magnified. Fear flooded her heart and her mind raced wondering how she could get herself out of this situation. She held back tears and responded to him questioning if she was ready with "NO! and I should really probably get home." He ripped her tights right after pressing play on an adult film and advising her to “Just relax.” There was no escape. Sweat dripped while he tried desperately to use her in ways that she had never experienced. He finally got up out of frustration, dressed and stepped out the room making sure to lock the door behind him. She pushed her skirt down and wondered if it was over, what was her next move, she knew she couldn't fight them all. She thought back and wondered why she didn't just run as they left their high school. Yes they were all surrounding her as they walked, but why didn't she just run. Did she want this? Is this her fault? She quickly left her thoughts when he came back inside the room seeming more determined than the time before, with a stronger approach than the time before, this time he made her bleed. After all she had never been at this place before. He jumped up in fear or disgust this time not locking the door behind and shared the news with his boys who I'm sure were waiting in line to further abuse her. She picked up her book bag and nervously headed towards the door.

She could hear the voices coming from what seemed like the basement and ran towards the front door. She felt the wind and finally a rush of tears. While still hurting and bleeding she's ran all the while checking behind her, finally she saw the school again and headed home. At this point she stopped looking behind her and began to look ahead. She should be relieved with every step away from that locked bedroom door but instead she remained fearful, how could she explain this to her parents? Where would she say she's been for all that time? How would she explain her ripped clothes and the blood?

Her heart skipped a beat and briefly she stopped breathing, the family vehicle pulled up beside her. She opened the van door and sat in the back. When she made it to the house she was told to stand at the door. She stood with her red coat over her off white shirt and tan shirt which hid the residue of what she just endured. She could tell that her parents didn't believe that she was hurt, but I guess they figured they would follow protocol and took her to the hospital. The rape kit confirmed that she was ripped and hurt. When the officers came she made up the names of her assailants; after all she didn't want to be further embarrassed at her school. The next day when she was sent to school she didn't know what to expect or how to behave. They were all older than her so there was a slight relief that they shared no classes together.

The day went on as if nothing ever happened and to the naked eye she was fine. But more than the physical discomfort she hated herself a little bit more after that day. How could she let it happen? Why didn't she run? Why did her voice disappear when it was time to scream? What if she didn't bleed would they have all hurt her? Is it her fault?

If only she had someone to tell her.... It is not your fault….you didn't deserve that. Or if she had someone to help her love herself through the shame and hold her hand as she cried for justice.

Today I tell you it's never your fault and you didn't deserve to experience that pain. You're worth more than even you know and God can and will restore your joy. Understand now that you deserve justice. God promised that you won't resemble the hurt that you’ve been through so don't worry about the shame. Lastly, until you find a way to love yourself through the pain, here's my hand and I will love you instead.

Sincerely,
She

Danelle