What do you choose ?

I was watching TV and Tina Campbell said exactly what my heart feels. "If there’s anything I can say or share to help someone not be trapped in the prison of their brokenness, that's death and I want you to live."

Both of my parents were dead by my eighth birthday. My father died when I was just a toddler and I guess because I was so young and have no memories of him it didn't impact my life like the death of my mother. I remember like it was yesterday.  I woke up with extra peep in my step that morning, it was my sister’s birthday and her teacher was allowing me to join her class to share in her birthday festivities. We woke up singing and laughing and dressing for school excited about what the day had in store for us. We couldn't wait to eat breakfast because with every passing task we were closer to our bus ride to school. Mom was still in the hospital so we ran past my big brother in the living room and across the hall to Granddaddy's for breakfast like we had the last few mornings. After ringing the door bell and knocking a few times the door opened to darkness. Granddaddy asked us to take a seat as he mumbled the words that I allowed to manifest years of brokenness in my life; “Your mother is deceased.” I was seven I'm not sure I even knew the meaning of the word, but I knew I was never going to see my mommy again.

When we returned to school after the funeral I slept through class for weeks, when questioned by the teacher my excuse was I just lost my mother. As I got older I developed a sense of hatred for my Aunt and Uncle, the people that was now filling in as my parents. I acted out at home and at school and my excuse was always “I lost my mother.” I was an orphan so I had such a hard time with developing healthy relationships of all types. I used my boyfriend and the fornication we shared to fill a void. I had my daughter when I was just 18 because I needed that mother daughter bond I lost 11 years earlier. It wasn't until my late 20's that I allowed God to heal me from that brokenness. I miss my mother and I still cry sometimes, but I now choose to live in the abundance of life and not in the brokenness.

Please don't get me wrong, with a tragedy of that magnitude it's okay to hurt, cry and have a broken heart, but the word of God says "Joy comes in the morning." Joy in the morning doesn't mean that you never think about that person or that tears wont linger, but it means you won’t LIVE in that place of brokenness. When you live in brokenness it's not living at all. The passing of my mother didn't only temporarily break my heart, but it broke me. For years I was operating in that place of anger and brokenness and I missed out on so much that life had to offer. 

 So yes I am an "Orphan," but then again I'm not. I've never seen the inside of an orphanage, I have family that loves me unconditionally and though my mother and father aren't physically here, I can say God saw fit to give me two fantastic parents who I love dearly. Yes I made some wrong turns along the way, but  the word tells us"God works out everything for the good of those that love him". "Being trapped in the prison of your brokenness is death, don't you want to live?"  

Danelle